Monday, December 30, 2013

treasure of hope

 Christmas just past and as the new year approaches i know in my hearts of hearts that this year will be absent of you not much of a difference accept the hope will be absent to.. hope that you will be in my life.. all i know is now all i have to offer you is my book and treasure chest of hope that  you will find your truth... the truth i wish i could stow upon you.. its not about who was right or wrong its about people righting their wrongs growing up and being strong... i love you beyond words and i will never give up waiting for you its just i am done fighting.. its not my fight anymore it never should of been..

love, your mom

Thursday, December 19, 2013

i didnt know how broken i really was...

 it was confirmed you have sided with them and that might not be such a bad thing hailey, my love when i carried you and dreamed of us being together yes it was a world that never was ment for you and i to explore together. i wanted you to be safe and warm but i also wanted you to explore this world safely and be encouraged and have a easy time growing up. and have things that were lovely and fun and i obviously couldn't give that to you.. i also had a crazi challenging time dealing with all the pain and hurt and anger that was stowed upon me.. i wish nothing more then you to never ever have a cm of this idea and walk in my head... i love you and always will but if letting you go means you will grow and be just perfect then i can go on... then my dream has come true thank you

Thursday, December 12, 2013

i heard thru the grapevine

i heard through your nana that you didn't want anything to do with me.. i couldn't understand how much it hit me like a ton of bricks.. i don't know why i was surprised i was surprised... i kind of thought maybe you were caught up in your own world.. i question why and she said you told her my life is too complicated and dramaed and that you don't want to be a part of that.. i am speechless yet i have so many things i wanna tell you... theres so much you don't know about me or them and although its not my story to tell when it comes to others i do want you to know my story and i need you to hear the truth....

Thursday, September 19, 2013

i can't see clearly now...

I see our path but its so foggy and not clear... I have not spoken to you in a really long time and I can no longer see your facebook page its like I ma been erased right out of your world.. I miss you. your brothers have recently stopped asking about you. I want to hold on to the memory they had of you but they are so little and it was so long ago and such a short time I even tried to point out we still had your pictures and they have stopped going to them to look blake the other day said lets take the girl down it makes mama sad.. I didn't know this could effect them but it has. I hope that I will see something some kind of sign on direction or maybe just to see it for what it is I love you girly!!

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Happy 4th of July!!!

i hope it is a blast!  your with family my family our family... i should be there... but i am here you are there and life goes on.

one year today

  it's been one year and we haven't seen each other i remember i felt like i had waited my whole life to meet you to see you again and then the day came i was early pregnant with your brother johnn, we had just moved close by to your nana i thought how fun it would be you were moving back to calie i was moving closer to nana and we would all get to see each other 4 generations cooking in the kitchen - just like how i planned it to be. the only slight difference is that my aunt your mom raised you. she may have had you all your childhood but i would have you the rest of your life! ahh, that didn't work out the way i had hoped or planned... i love you hailey girl i wish i could be here for you. i wish we could talk hang out this summer. its really sad- am i angry yup at myself and at the situation. i wish things would of not happen the way they did i wish i wouldn't of been failed so i didn't fail you i wish that you could rise above it and seek me out get to know me and your brothers.. i waited my whole life to have a daughter the day came a year went and i am still waiting.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

please let me in

your so guarded i get that i am too. your locked and i thought at one time i had the key. maybe i did and maybe now its thrown into the sea... i love you i so wish so badly that i could unlock your heart and you would let me in